I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
