Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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