You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
