is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
