There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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