Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
