Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
