Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
