Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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