Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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