You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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