I want to stick my p in your. b.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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