we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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