Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
