my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
