My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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