Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
