Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
