Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
