we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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