i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
