I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
