I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
