Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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