And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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