I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
