Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
