I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
