I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She has the best kind of daddy issues
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
