how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
