Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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