forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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