My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
