Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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