she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
