I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
