I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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