Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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