did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
