I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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