im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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