If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
now i know why i became what i already was.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
