so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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