he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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