I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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