No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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