I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
