So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
