if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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