I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
