if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
