in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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