Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
