My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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